


The Broken Snowflake

by orphan_account



Series: There's Magic Between You and Me [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Christmas, Couch Cuddles, Crying, M/M, Magic, Mutual Pining, Outdoor Sex, Pining, Self-Hatred, Sex, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Warlocks, Winter, Yule
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-06
Updated: 2017-11-06
Packaged: 2019-01-30 12:01:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12653163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Alec found himself sneaking to the border as often as he could, risking his own image as well as his family's, and for what? To see a warlock? If his parents found out, they would never forgive him.And yet, he kept going.





	The Broken Snowflake

**Author's Note:**

> So, I had planned on posting a "sequel" (whatever you want to call it) to my last story a few days after I had posted it, but I ended up rewriting this at LEAST seven times. Not exaggerating. Then, I'd planned on actually writing two chapters, but ended up just joining them together and creating this huge-ass monstrosity. It was a mess. For at least a week I had two word documents open side-by-side in minimized windows, just copying and pasting, rewriting, deleting, adding...it was a nightmare. _But_ I think that I have finally written something worth reading. 
> 
> As you can see, it's not nearly as sexual as the one before it, which had not been my original intent (because smut with feelings is my favorite, even if I suck at writing it), but whenever I tried to add some in it just felt forced and unnecessary. 
> 
> I may or may not write a final addition to this series, but I'm not sure yet. No promises. 
> 
> Also, if anyone wants a nice little song to listen to while they read, then I will give you the one I listened to while reading the entirety of this story. Like, I've had it on a loop, and that's it. It just had the right feel to it.
> 
>  
> 
> **Gabriel - David Hicken**
> 
>  
> 
> I did listen to Another Love by Tom Odell, but that was harder to write to because it has lyrics. So, I would listen to that while looking for quotes and such, but I would switch it when writing. And yes, I used several quotes. Some are from the TMI books, some are from the show, and some were just nice quotes I found on google. There were a lot I had written in and then taken out because they didn't fit right, or I just scrapped the whole paragraph...but there are still several left. 
> 
> Also, there are several references to things that happened in the show that I'm sure most people will notice. I really love stories that either tie in with canon, or they are sort of...mirroring canon. So even though this is my own sort of universe, I would still imagine that some things would happen in similar ways. Sort of like the parallel universe in the show. :)
> 
> So, I hope you guys enjoy this! It's different than the last one, but I think it turned out well. Sorry for any mistakes/OOC-ness (I'm _always_ worried about that). I did actually go through and edit this, but there are probably some mistakes I missed.

Alec had never been one to disobey his parents. When they told him he was grounded, Alec had simply nodded his head and stayed at home. After everything that had happened it was the least he could do, even if he was a grown man and they couldn’t _actually_ ground him. After two months of staying at home, however, Alec felt a bit claustrophobic. It was hot in his home from the summer heat, and without the distraction of missions or tasks he felt like he was stuffed inside of a box with no ventilation.

Alec left while his parents and siblings were gone at work in the institute. No one had expected his departure since he’d been so obedient, but he couldn’t stay inside anymore. 

Now, his decision to head to the forest was probably very stupid, especially considering all of the hunters they kept on guard duty around the area since his little escapade, but he was practically pulled to the area. He got there in record time, not wanting to dawdle, and stepped through the border, breaking The Accords for the second time.

“Alexander!” a sultry voice greeted him. “What a pleasant surprise!”

Alec turned to the voice and saw Magnus, wearing a thin silk shirt, skin-tight pants, and a vast amount of jewelry. The warlock was smiling curiously at him, suspicious at his presence, but welcoming nonetheless.

“What can I do for you?” the warlock purred, stepping forward and running a hand over Alec’s chest.

Alec closed his eyes, pleased at the feeling. Hesitant, Alec reached out and put his hands on Magnus’ waist, the other leaning into him at the feeling, and he swallowed down his nervousness. 

“I was hoping we could…you know.” Alec asked bashfully, his face red. “I mean if you don’t want to I can-“

“Nonsense, Alexander! Who would pass up an opportunity to fool around with a fine specimen such as yourself?” Magnus said dramatically, tugging Alec forward with a sly grin.

“C-can we go to the same spot as before?” Alec asked nervously, staring at Magnus’ lips. 

“Oh, Alexander, you naughty boy!” Magnus smirked. “Outdoor sex in broad daylight, how exciting!”

Alec was ready to pull away out of embarrassment, his face red and his eyes wide, but Magnus’ grip was firm. The warlock leaned up to Alec’s ear, licking his lips before speaking.

“I’ll do you pro bono.”

~*~

Alec snuck out of his home several times over the next few months, and every single time it was to see Magnus. They had developed an unspoken routine. Alec would show up, Magnus would greet him pleasantly, and then after having a very brief conversation they would find themselves spent under the weeping willow.

It wasn’t nearly as magical in the forest as it had been that first night, but Alec quickly discovered that he didn’t care. He thoroughly enjoyed being taken apart by Magnus. The other _really_ knew what he was doing. The physical act alone was enough to ensure Alec’s return, but it didn’t compare to the afterglow.

 

It became a common occurrence for Alec to find himself lying on his back with Magnus next to him, both of them staring up at the sky- night or day –through the branches of the willow tree. Sometimes they would talk about the silliest topics, like how much Alec hated Aldertree, or why Magnus referred to Ragnor as a cabbage. Other times Alec would lament about the Clave interrogating him, and how it was hilarious that they didn’t notice him sneaking past the barrier despite being suspicious of him. 

Sometimes, Alec lie against the moss, eyes closed as he listened to Magnus tell him stories of his adventures. He was positive the warlock embellished them a bit, but even the more boring stories were fascinating to him. He had very rarely been outside of Idris, and even then it had only been to nearby countries. The words Magnus would use to describe the places he’d been made them seem too fantastic to exist. He found it difficult to believe there were places where the sun didn’t set in the summer, or areas where the seasons were opposite of theirs. 

There were days where the two of them would simply lie there, quietly listening to the birds chirping or cicadas buzzing. Sometimes they would drift to sleep for a few minutes, but Alec tried not to make that a habit. It was hard to resist, however, when there was a beautiful warlock lying next to him. 

Meeting with Magnus had provided Alec with an escape from reality. It was as if he was living his own fairytale, even if he knew it was all too good to be true. The warlock was so magical- so _perfect_ -and Alec just wanted to spend every day with him. The sex was great, the afterglow was great, hell even their conversation about eggplants had been great! 

The only thing about the whole situation that wasn’t great was reality. 

Every time Alec snuck away, he would have to go back home. He would have to leave Magnus behind, alone, and return to the world he wished he could just get away from once in a while. He and Magnus’ time together was never enough, and Alec found himself constantly longing for more. He just wasn’t sure what he wanted more of.

Sex? Nah, he loved that, but even with his stamina rune he had limits. Besides, the wait only made it that much better.

Casual conversations about eggplants? Sure, but that wasn’t it either.

During one particularly deep discussion about which fruits would describe the Clave best, Alec found what he’d been looking for. 

They had been lying there enjoying the afterglow of their coupling under the afternoon summer sun, shaded by the willow they loved so much and cushioned by the moss beneath them; naked as the day they were born. Normally, Alec would be very uncomfortable to be nude in front of someone, finding it very unnecessary and invasive, but he found it easy to relax around Magnus. He felt like he didn’t have to hide. 

“I’m just saying that the Clave is like a pineapple,” Alec stated seriously. “They are spikey, but they claim to be sweet. Then you take a bite and it makes your mouth feel all weird.”

Magnus let out a bark of laughter, his hand reaching up to cover his mouth as he grinned. Alec turned to look at the other, surprised at the sound. Magnus had never laughed like that before, and Alec welcomed the sound with open arms. It was like jumping into a cool spring during a hot day, and tickled his skin pleasantly.

“I stand corrected,” Magnus turned to Alec, a bright smile on his face. “Your analogy is much better than mine.”

Alec could still feel the way his stomach fluttered at the sight of the other’s smile. It was genuine and pure, a complete contrast to what he’d been taught to expect from a warlock, and he swore he would try to make the other smile as frequently as possible. His heart swelled in his chest, and he felt himself smile back at Magnus. Perhaps it had been an effect of the afterglow, but Alec knew that was what he’d been longing for.

“I still think a tomato is a good alternative. So much deception.”

The sorrow Alec felt every time he had to return home only amplified after that moment. At first, he could manage it with a wave goodbye and a promise to return, but then he started to notice the sadness in Magnus’ eyes when he left. His mother had always told him that _the eyes are the windows to the soul_ , but he only just now understood what she had meant by that. His pupils would contract whenever Alec had to leave, giving away his unhappiness, and the smile that accompanied it only made Alec’s heart ache more.

Now, when Alec stepped past the border he felt a piece of himself stay behind

~*~

Isabelle and Jace had begun to notice Alec’s grumpiness. He was used to keeping things from people, so it wasn’t difficult to convince them it was because of his suspension from shadowhunter duty. It wasn’t a lie, he was very annoyed that the Clave hadn’t lifted the prohibition, but it wasn’t the full truth. 

The force of his dishonesty did not hit him until one cool, autumn afternoon. He had been making mental preparations to see Magnus again, already annoyed by the ache in his heart, when he’d been visited by his fiancé. He had almost completely forgotten about their engagement, having to reschedule it due to his constant meetings with Clave members. She had arrived to ask him about dates, showing him her work schedule and looking for a good time to get it over with.

Lydia, poor, sweet, blissfully ignorant Lydia barely noticed Alec’s sour mood, but when she did ask he brushed it off as not feeling well. The guilt slowly seeped into his skin, eating away at him even after she left. 

That night, instead of visiting Magnus like he’d planned, Alec stayed home.

~*~

Magnus could tell that something was bothering Alec. He tried to keep his nose out of it, but it was hard to when his nose was buried in said person’s pubic hair. 

He had tried to talk Alec out of having sex that evening, noticing the distant gleam in the nephilim’s eyes. Alec refused, practically begging Magnus to take him, so Magnus did. It had been nice, but that was all. Alec was just so distracted by his own mind, and Magnus had a feeling that was what had him so desperate to fool around. It was right after he pulled out that Magnus realized Alec hadn’t finished, so he opted to help the nephilim out.

Now, Magnus knew very well that he was great at giving blowjobs, so whatever had been on Alec’s mind must have been pretty important for him to be so distracted.

“Alexander.”

Alec blinked, glancing down at Magnus, “Yeah?”

“You still with me?” Magnus asked, licking the head of Alec’s softening cock. 

Alec blushed, “Yeah, sorry. I’m just…thinking.”

“I noticed.”

Alec sighed, rubbing his face with his hands. A part of him wanted to tell Magnus everything, but the other part knew there wasn’t any point. What he and Magnus had was nice, but it couldn’t settle tensions between his family and the Clave. His engagement to Lydia could.

“I’m sorry, you don’t have to do that,” Alec said, running his fingers through Magnus’ hair. “I’m just not in the mood anymore.”

Magnus pulled away, crawling forward and placing his hand against Alec’s forehead. Alec laughed softly, taking the hand and holding it. Magnus’ eyes were contracted, not dilated like they had been before, and his expression was laced with worry. 

“Is everything alright?” Magnus asked, squeezing Alec’s hand. 

“It’s just…political stuff,” Alec muttered. “It’s not important.”

Magnus hummed, a brief flash of disgust settling over his features at the mention of politics. He leaned forward and kissed Alec’s cheek, wiping away the lipstick that smudged there from the action.

“Well, I’m here if you need to talk about it,” Magnus offered. 

Alec smiled, wishing that he could, “Thanks, Magnus.”

~*~

The feeling in Alec’s chest whenever he left Magnus only worsened over time, rather than get better like he’d hoped it would. It got to the point that when Alec was actually _with_ the warlock, all he could think about was how he would have to leave again. Not only that, but they had actually started to spend time together without having sex. It was never planned, but sometimes Alec would be so stressed and frustrated, already sad he would have to leave a few hours after seeing the warlock, that Magnus would simply dismiss the idea of sex and opt to talk to Alec instead.

Sometimes Alec wouldn’t have any motivation, too depressed from his own mind to speak. He felt horrible for using Magnus as an escape, not giving him anything in return. He felt guilty lying to his siblings, and he felt guilty for seeing someone behind Lydia’s back, even if they weren’t in love. He wasn’t even sure if he and Magnus _were_ seeing each other.

Not that it would matter. In the end he would have to go home.

Magnus knew first-hand how awful the mind could be, but he couldn’t push the other into telling him what was wrong. Instead, Magnus would read books to him- some in languages the nephilim couldn’t understand. If Magnus didn’t use a book, he would tell Alec silly stories about himself and his friends. It always managed to distract Alec enough from his thoughts, brightening his mood ever so slightly before he realized it was time to leave. 

One of those times had Magnus revealing something about himself he partially wished he hadn’t. 

Alec had dragged himself to the border one evening, exhausted by hours of training and reassigned missions. His face was grim, pale- devoid of the happiness that had once resided there so often, and there were dark circles under his eyes, revealing his stress. Rather than reaching out to Magnus like he usually did, Alec simply stood there, waiting. Magnus reached down and took his hand, silently leading Alec to their spot under the willow.

Despite his return, Alec made no move to initiate any sort of contact with Magnus, and the warlock’s heart _ached._ Whatever had been plaguing Alec’s mind was beginning to take its toll, and he worried that he was doing little to help. Magnus understood what it was like, but he did not know how to fix the problem. Not if he didn’t know the cause.

Magnus made Alec lie down on his side, resting his head in the warlock’s lap so he could run his fingers through the nephilim’s curly hair. It was longer than it had been, neglected, but Magnus loved it. He fiddled with it, massaging Alec’s head while he told him about his day, about how he’d nearly been blinded by his cat after kicking it off the bed in the middle of the night. He told Alec about how much he hated cat hair, and how his friend Ragnor would make fun of him for his ‘glitter trail’.

“Of course, Camille made fun of that too,” Magnus said, making a face. “She made fun of a lot of things.”

Magnus’ fingers paused in Alec’s hair as he thought of the woman, a very sorrowful feeling settling over him.

“One year, I brought her flowers for her birthday because I was unsure of what to get her that she didn’t already have. I had enchanted them with a spell so that they would never die,” Magnus stated. “And she gave them back to me the next day, saying that they clashed with her drapes.”

His fingers tugged at Alec’s hair, his eyes distant as he spoke.

“I loved her for so long. I did everything for her. I would’ve given my life for her, and all she did was laugh at me. She said that love was a pointless emotion, and that it would always fade,” Magnus said, his voice tight. “For a long time, I believed her.”

“What made you change your mind?” Alec asked, his voice muffled against Magnus’ thigh. 

Magnus blinked, looking down at the nephilim who was now staring up at him with wide eyes. He’d forgotten that the other was listening, assuming that everything he’d been saying had been tuned out. He swallowed, already regretting his decision to mention Camille in the first place. He wanted to take it all back, pretend it never happened. 

_You_ was what he thought, but did not dare say out loud.

~*~

There were many words that could describe Magnus Bane’s heart, but the most accurate word would be _shattered._

Magnus had experienced many things in his life. He’d been in many relationships and had never paid attention to how it affected him mentally until it was too late. While many warlocks could get away with it, focused more on themselves than anyone else, Magnus discovered that he was not like that. Each relationship Magnus had ever been in had mattered to him. He was unable to keep himself from falling, hard and fast, giving himself to them completely, and each time they left they took a piece of his heart with them. 

Camille had saved him from himself after a large of portion of his heart had been taken away- helped him regain his balance so he could walk on his own. It had always been difficult for Magnus to differentiate between love and desperation, and he mistook his desire to have someone as love for her. He had cared for her, grateful for everything she had done for him, but she never felt the same. Over time, she would use his emotions against him, making him do whatever she wanted- whispering sweet nothings in his ear that promised much, but offered little. Then, just as he was beginning to feel whole again, she would leave, taking fragments of his heart with her.

She cast away the pieces as if they meant nothing to her, and eventually he had run out of fragments to give. 

He was unable to regain his broken pieces because most of them were dedicated to Camille alone, desperately clinging to her in an attempt to gain her love. The rest lingered on the memories of other companions, forever mourning their loss.

By the time he decided to not pursue relationships anymore, he only had one small piece of his heart left. He protected it with his life, hiding it away from the reality of the world, soothing it’s loneliness with one-night stands and distracting it with parties. 

He had hoped that the more he ignored it the less it would scream.

Magnus had been so busy trying to ignore it that he didn’t notice it had slipped from his grasp, landing itself into the hands of a lost nephilim. It had ached for love for so long that it gave itself completely to the shadowhunter. 

_Someday, someone will come along who will tear down those walls you’ve built around your heart._ Ragnor’s words, soft yet firm, had forever engrained themselves into Magnus’ mind. He’d paid no mind to them at the time, but now he’d wished he had. 

_When that love comes back to you, you must do everything in your power to fight for it._

The remaining piece of Magnus’ heart was so small he’d deemed it unable to love, but now he realized it would love more than the rest of his heart put together. It would fight for the nephilim as much as it could, because if it was hurt one more time…it would be the last time.

~*~

It was December when the Clave had finally decided to lift Alec’s suspension. 

Despite his relief, Alec’s heart sank at the news. He was glad to finally be able to do his _job_ again, protecting innocent civilians and making sure everything was all right, but that meant he would have to have a schedule. He had gotten so used to being around Magnus, and he wasn’t ready for it to end so abruptly. 

Alec had been ready to give Magnus an explanation for his sudden disappearance- going from seeing him a few times a week to not at all in almost a month. He wanted to, he really did, but he was kept busy at all times to the point it nearly overworked him. He had to patrol the border with Jace, make sure the wards were still up, write down reports of everything that _didn’t_ happen…it was all very tedious and exhausting. 

Alec had been making his rounds with Jace when it happened.

“Is that…” Jace squinted. “Alec, is that a _warlock?”_

Alec froze, his eyes widening and his breath coming out in short bursts. Ahead of them there was a group of Shadowhunters, keeping watch as a warlock reaffirmed the wards surrounding the border. It was done every fifteen years from what he knew, but he’d been far too young to have witnessed it the last time. It wasn’t something that was advertised. Alec couldn’t see who it was, but his heart stopped when he noticed a pair of cat eyes glancing in his direction. 

Magnus.

“Yeah, I g-guess it is,” Alec’s throat was dry. 

Magnus continue to cast the wards, glancing in his direction now and then, but otherwise making no movement to acknowledge his presence. Alec was relieved that he understood the situation, and tried not to ruin it by staring at the warlock’s butt. It did not take long for he and Jace to pass him, and Alec ignored the burn he felt on the back of his neck from the warlock’s stare.

A couple of hours later, Jace and Alec were nearing Magnus again. He was a fair distance away, but close enough for Alec to admire his beauty. He was so lithe when he performed his magic- so in control, and it was enough to make his mouth water.

Alec tried to pay attention to Jace’s rant about Aldertree, but his focus was on the warlock ahead. 

“I mean, the guy already has a stick up his ass, he doesn’t need to prove it by shoving up more,” Jace rolled his eyes. “I swear, if I get another childish task because I didn’t turn up for my monthly health check, I will kill him, Alec. I really will.”

Alec smirked, “I don’t doubt it.”

“And, as my parabatai you are required to assist me,” Jace nudged his arm. “If I go down, you’re coming with me.”

Alec hummed, his head tilted as Magnus flicked his wrist. 

“Alec?”

Alec jumped and turned to Jace, “Huh?”

“You see something?” Jace asked, looking into the forest suspiciously.

“Nah, I was just thinking,” Alec shrugged. 

“Already getting nervous about your wedding? It’s still a couple of weeks away,” Jace smirked at him. 

Alec sighed, watching the warlock ahead of them. His fingers conjured glittering magic, his body movements fluid and graceful. His attire alone was so different than anything anyone in Idris would ever wear, and yet it was so lovely. There wasn’t a single nephilim in the universe that could compare to him.

“Don’t remind me.” 

Jace, his ever-observant parabatai, was kind enough to change the subject, resorting to their default of Aldertree bashing. 

~*~

_“Already getting nervous about your wedding?”_

The words replayed in Magnus’ head as he paced in his kitchen, holding onto a bottle of whiskey with one hand and running the other through his hair. He was not much a whiskey drinker, but he needed something strong. Despite its potency, it wasn’t doing much to get his mind off of what he’d overheard, and it certainly didn’t ease up the pain in his chest.

Alec was getting married. 

Magnus stopped, his hand gripping the kitchen counter as his knees shook. He slammed the whiskey down, gritting his teeth as he held back a groan. He could still smell sandalwood- a scent he’d come to associate with Alec, and that only made the pain in his chest worsen. His throat tightened around a lump, but he forced it away with several swigs of his drink.

Alec had not promised faithfulness, nor had they ever actually spoken about their relationship, but he’d hoped that Alec actually cared about him- that maybe Alec was different. He’d hoped so much that he’d started to believe in his own fantasy, and now reality came crashing down on him.

Magnus let go of his bottle, straightening as his friend’s words rang in his ear.

_When that love comes back to you, you must do everything in your power to fight for it._

Magnus had planned to confront Alec about the situation; demand to know _why_ he had failed to mention a fiancé. His face had been stern and unyielding when he stood at the border, and despite the pain in his heart he refused to let himself be used for the other’s entertainment. He was not some whore, nor would he be some the nephilim’s dirty secret.

But then he saw Alec.

The nephilim’s shoulders were slumped, his movements sluggish and slow. His skin was several tones paler than the last Magnus had seen him, and his eyes void of happiness with dark circles beneath them. He looked exhausted physically, and mentally, and Magnus felt his heart tug.

When Alec looked up and saw Magnus standing there, the darkness and despair in his eyes disappeared, replaced with joy and affection. His shoulders lifted and his movements quickened, a genuine smile nearly splitting his face in two. 

Magnus couldn’t bring himself to say anything about what he’d heard. 

He was Alec’s escape.

The thought was painful. The small piece of his heart was slowly breaking, and in one last attempt to gain the other’s love, Magnus fought for it the only way he knew how.

The two were walking through the forest as if it were the most normal thing in the universe to do so. It was very cold, but Magnus had suggested they go looking for an evergreen tree, trying to distract himself from the ache in his heart. 

“So, what exactly is the Winter Festival celebrating?” Alec asked.

“Well, lots of things, actually,” Magnus hummed. “But not sex.”

Alec rolled his eyes and Magnus grinned at him weakly. Despite the pain in his heart, it was still easy to fall into casual conversation with the other. 

“Winter is the darkest time of the year, so when the Winter Festival comes it is actually celebrating the end of the darkness, and looking forward to brighter days to come,” Magnus said wistfully. “It’s a time to start fresh, let go of the past and look forward to a bright beginning.”

Magnus noted the way Alec’s face brightened. No doubt, he was a bit surprised at the reasons for Downworld celebrations. Nephilim never celebrated anything other than their triumphs over those they deemed lesser than themselves, and certainly never thought about celebrating something such as happiness or love. Those things were not necessity, and therefore were invalid.

“I wish my kind had these kinds of celebrations,” Alec lamented. “Maybe then everyone would be a bit happier…”

“The weight of the world is not yours to bear, Alexander,” Magnus took Alec’s hand in his. “If you can’t focus on everyone else’s happiness, then focus on your own.”

Magnus blinked at his own words, startled by how ironic they were. He quickly looked away, hoping Alec didn’t see the grimace on his face. 

“Magnus?” Alec asked gently. “Are you alright?”

Magnus turned to Alec with a plastic smile, hoping the other wouldn’t notice its lack of sincerity. His face stretched almost painfully in the act- his skin stiff. 

“Of course, Alexander! The weather simply does little for my good health,” Magnus sighed dramatically. “And as my friend Catarina always says, _If the temperature is less than a mundane’s age, don’t get out of bed._ Wise words, wise woman.”

Alec snorted, and Magnus was glad that the words distracted the other from his slip up. The two continued to walk, Magnus absentmindedly passing by several good trees before noticing. 

“There! That tree is perfect,” Magnus pointed. “Come on, give me a second to get it into the house-“

“It’s going _inside?”_

~*~

Alec wanted to know what all the fuss was about with this tree. After an interesting attempt at teleporting the tree inside of Magnus’ house, resizing it a few times, it actually fit very well in the corner of the room opposite the fireplace. While it did look a bit strange for a giant tree to be inside of a house, it did smell very good. Magnus announced that they would be decorating it, snapping his fingers and making a box of sparkling trinkets appear. 

What was probably meant as an innocent family activity ended up being an excuse for Alec to stare at Magnus’ ass. 

Even if the two of them were refraining from doing anything, Alec couldn’t help but admire the other. Magnus was just too ethereal for his own good, and Alec was still very inexperienced and unprepared. The way Magnus would bend over or crouch to hang the ornaments on the lower parts of the tree did things to Alec he could not control, and he wasn’t even sure if the warlock was doing it on purpose or not.

He did manage to help Magnus decorate, hanging glass snowflakes and orbs all over the tree and making annoyed expressions when some of the tree’s needles fell into his sleeve. Alec still didn’t understand why they were doing any of this, but Magnus swore it was of the utmost importance. He had to admit, the mundane task of placing things on a tree was very relaxing and pleasant. It took Alec’s mind off of his responsibilities, his image, his parents… 

Despite his own content, he had noticed how odd Magnus had been behaving. He was much quieter than usual, only speaking when the silence grew too long, and his words were hurried and breathless. The way Magnus was holding himself was almost defensive, like he was afraid of being hit. When Alec asked him if his stomach hurt, or if he was in pain, Magnus straightened up and made a point to stay that way. His smiles seemed forced and almost…sad? Alec had no idea what had caused the sudden change, but he opted to be the one to fix it. 

When they finished, Alec stared in awe at the sight before him. He had never expected a plant could look so beautiful. Suddenly, Alec understood why Magnus deemed it _the most important task for the winter festival_. It was almost as if the entire room had been transformed into something happy, joyful, and elegant. Alec refused to stop looking at it, his eyes admiring the way the trinkets glimmered, and Magnus smiled at him as he left to get something to drink for their hard work. 

Alec wanted this. He wanted to be able to bring this feeling of overwhelming joy home with him, and share it with everyone that he could. He would even decorate all of the trees himself if it meant others could experience what he was feeling.

“We should make snowflakes!” Magnus announced as he returned from his kitchen with two glasses. “And a wreath!”

Alec raised an eyebrow, wondering what the hell a wreath was, and how they were supposed to _make snowflakes._ Magnus set down a glass in front of Alec. The substance inside was milky and had a yellow tint, but it smelled very good.

“What?” Alec asked, sipping his drink.

“The snowflakes are made of paper, and it’s a lot of fun! And a wreath is traditional, so I need to make one at some point anyway, but it would be much more enjoyable to do with you- Alec? Are you alright?” 

Alec stared at his beverage in confusion, wonder, and slight repulsion. He didn’t know what the stuff was, but it was very strange. The flavor itself was not bad, but the thickness of it put him off a bit. There certainly wasn’t anything like it in Idris.

“What is this?” Alec asked. 

“Eggnog,” Magnus tried to hide an amused grin. “Not a fan, I take it?”

“It’s…um…interesting,” Alec managed, not wanting to offend the other. “Not what I was expecting.”

Magnus snickered, taking the glass from Alec, “Let me get you something else.”

Alec blushed in embarrassment, and Magnus snapped his fingers and changed the drink into something else. The warlock watched with an amused smile when Alec tentatively tasted the drink, his eyes lighting up with a pleased hum. 

“That’s mulled wine,” Magnus smirked as Alec took another sip. “It’s pretty good, right?”

Alec nodded, “Yeah, I like this better. Sorry for wasting your…egg…stuff.”

Magnus had to set down his drink, covering his mouth with his hand as he laughed. He felt a small amount of tension leave his shoulders, momentarily forgetting what he’d been upset about. It only took him a few seconds to sober up, his happiness morphing into something less ecstatic. 

Apologizing for his laughter, Magnus snapped his fingers and a bunch of paper appeared in front of them along with scissors. 

The warlock only had to explain how to make snowflakes once before Alec decided he’d figured it out. His shadowhunter observance had its advantages. While Magnus clipped away almost carelessly, relishing in the excitement of not knowing what the final product would be, Alec took his time carefully snipping out sections. Magnus had created ten snowflakes, each beautiful in their own way, when he realized that Alec had only just finished his first one.

Magnus had nearly fainted when Alec opened it, revealing one of the most intricate and delicate snowflakes he’d ever seen. 

And then it fell apart.

Alec stared at it, mouth open in shock, “What-? Is it supposed to do that?”

“Aww, darling,” Magnus frowned sadly. “You cut on the fold too much, I think.”

Alec pouted, embarrassed and disappointed. 

Magnus carefully gathered up the paper, making sure not to tear or bend anything. His fingers delicately moved, almost trembling from his effort to be gentle, holding each piece with as much care as he could. Magnus gazed down at each piece with so much _affection,_ it almost pained Alec to watch.

“I want to keep this one,” Magnus’ voice was almost inaudible. 

“It’s garbage,” Alec frowned.

“It’s special to me,” Magnus whispered in reply.

He waved his hand over the paper, and it levitated over his hand. The pieces were detached, but with a wiggle of his fingers they stayed in place. Magnus whispered something in a language Alec couldn’t understand, and the paper transformed into crystal. He took it and set it over his fireplace, smiling at the way it glittered. Alec frowned as he watched Magnus stare at the object for much longer than could be deemed normal. His expression was distant, looking but not seeing, before he blinked and straightened up.

“I think this is my favorite so far,” Magnus beamed at Alec. 

“I messed it up,” Alec bluntly pointed out.

“Life is full of mistakes,” Magnus sat down beside Alec, kissing his cheek, “That doesn’t mean mistakes can’t be fixed.”

~*~

Alec had been so excited to see Magnus a few days later. His entire day had been so dull and boring, filled to the brim with nothing but meetings and documents that needed to be signed. He was exhausted, but the thought of seeing the warlock again brought a smile to his face and warm feeling in his stomach. 

That feeling disappeared when he saw the other waiting for him at the border.

Magnus had his arms wrapped around his middle, not noticing Alec’s presence as he stared down at the snow. His face was sullen and his vibrant skin was dull. His lips were turned down in a way that Alec had grown used to seeing, but had never associated with the warlock. He was wearing a plain red sweater instead of a fancy silk shirt or fur coat, and plain black pants whose sole purpose was to keep his legs warm. His hair was in its normal spiked up style, but it was devoid of glitter.

Magnus looked up and smile when he noticed Alec was walking towards him, causing the makeup he’d caked onto his face to crease. The warlock was wearing much more makeup on his face and lot less on his eyes than he usually did in an attempt to hide the dark circles beneath his eyes. Alec found it uncomfortable to look at, but he said nothing. 

Instead, he took Magnus’ hand, hoping to ease away whatever pain the other was feeling, and let the other lead him to his house. 

The two of them ended up making a wreath.

It was tedious, but Alec discovered he liked tedious. The only things similar in Idris were studying runes or reciting literature, but this was much more enjoyable. It wasn’t something he was obligated to do, but it required most of his attention. 

“I have found that with age, sometimes it is better to take things slow,” Magnus had said at one point. “When you are immortal things like this keep you grounded, and you learn to appreciate them more.”

Alec didn’t know how to respond.

He watched the way Magnus moves- stiff, and calculated. He’d also had a glamour over his eyes before Alec pointed it out, apologizing with the excuse that it had become habit when he had guests. Alec might have believed that, but Magnus had never done such a thing in front of him before. It irked him. Magnus was guarded. Defensive. Wary. Alec did his best to try and help in any way he could, asking if the other was alright only to receive a forced smile in reply. 

Alec had no idea what was wrong, but he was determined to fix it.

That evening, after drinking some apple cider, Magnus had laid his head on Alec’s shoulder. They said nothing- _did_ nothing other than bask in each other’s presence, and relish in the warmth of the fireplace and the shimmering of the decorations. Alec’s arm had wrapped around Magnus’ shoulders, pulling him against his chest gently. 

Alec’s heart felt restricted in his ribcage, beating against it unceasingly. His fingers were twitching and his throat was dry. He was the epitome of uncomfortable, and yet he had never felt more content. Magnus lifted his head to look at Alec, concern on his face.

“Are you alright, Alexander?” Magnus asked softly, not wanting to ruin the quiet.

Alec stared back, unable to tear his eyes away. It was as if Magnus had become _more_ beautiful, even with the makeup caking off of his cheeks, and the circles under his eyes. Alec was leaning forward before he even considered it a possibility, and his lips gently pressed against Magnus’. The warlock inhaled softly, rigid in Alec’s embrace as he stared at the nephilim with wide eyes. Then, slowly, his eyes closed and he relaxed.

Their lips barely moved against one another, but it felt like too much. Alec pressed a bit more firmly, hoping to ease away whatever pain the other was feeling. Magnus shivered and tilted his head, and Alec could feel the other’s heart beat erratically against his ribcage. 

Alec pulled away a moment later, his cheeks flushed. He reached up to brush a strand of hair away from Magnus’ face, his lips forming into the smallest of smiles.

“I’m with you,” he replied. “Of course I am.”

Magnus’ eyes widened and his pupils dilated. He smiled at Alec and laid his head back down, sipping at his cider with a content hum. Alec barely registered he was tilting his head until he felt Magnus’ soft hair against his cheek, and he smiled against it. Magnus smelled faintly of cinnamon and cloves, much like his magic, and Alec relished the way it made his heart skip and his toes warm up. 

It was in the silence of the room, only broken by the crackling fire and the gentle wind outside, that Alec first felt it. It began as something warm in his abdomen, crawling up into his heart until it felt like it had pierced his soul. It was almost painful, but it made him smile nonetheless. It was a pain that was similar to excitement, and one fleeting thought of Magnus made it increase substantially. Alec wasn’t sure what to call the feeling just yet, but he welcomed it with open arms.

He didn’t notice the way the smile fell from Magnus’ face. The warlock’s fingers tightened around his glass, his eyes blankly staring into the fire. 

“Alec?” Magnus whispered, his voice weak.

“Yeah?” Alec replied. “What is it?”

Alec waited patiently, watching as the warlock’s mouth opened and closed several times. He adjusted his position, his shoulders stiff, and he closed his eyes with a soft, displeased sigh.

“Nevermind.”

~*~

The Accords Hall was one of the most beautiful areas in all of Alicante. There were stained glass windows, beautiful stone floors, vines growing along the walls, and angels carved in stone. Even when it wasn’t being used for ceremonies, the area was always well kept, just like every other important area. 

Despite its beauty, Alec had grown to dislike the room very much.

Lydia stood next to him as the two were given the rundown on how the marriage ceremony would work, despite the actual wedding still being a few weeks away. The two were always very busy, and this had been the only opportunity to do so. It was fairly simple; Alec gives her his betrothal necklace, they swap some runes, recite some words, and done. He didn’t really understand why they were going over this, but if it made Lydia happy then so be it.

She was in charge of most of the decoration colors and other such things involved in weddings, which had been completely fine by Alec. He didn’t have time to worry about such things, nor did he have the expertise. He simply stood there, nodding his approval at any suggestion of color she made, trying to look as interested as he could while his mind wandered.

Alec missed Magnus.

He’d only been away from the other for a couple of days, but his heart already ached from being away from him. There was just something about Magnus that drew him closer. It was something that made his toes curl and his skin tingle. He’d never been one to smile, but whenever he was around the warlock it seemed natural. He never felt any of those things when he was with Lydia.

“Mr. Lightwood. Miss Branwell.”

Alec turned at the voice, seeing the stern face of the Inquisitor, and behind her…a pair of glamoured brown eyes. Magnus smiled at him, but it seemed _off._ Alec turned back to the Inquisitor, raising an eyebrow in an attempt to look uninterested.

“Yes?” he asked simply.

“I’m sorry, but I am going to have to cut your wedding preparations short for today,” she said shrewdly. “Mr. Bane and I have some business to attend to concerning the wards, and I can’t have an eavesdroppers.”

Alec had often felt stage fright as a child. It was an unfortunate side effect of being the eldest child of an important family, always having to be the first to do everything, and always having the responsibility of doing it _right._ He’d always hated the sudden drop of his stomach, the constricting of his throat, and the dizziness that would accompany the nervousness of his task. Sometimes his ears would start ringing, or his hands would shake. 

Yet, nothing could have compared to the way he’d felt when he realized the inquisitor mentioned his marriage. 

For a moment he felt numb. The world had gone silent around him, and his entire focus was on the pair of brown eyes that bore into his own, pained and sad. His ears started to ring, and his face drained of color, leaving his skin chilled and clammy. He felt nauseated and he couldn’t breath.

“Quickly!” the Inquisitor snapped, bringing Alec out of his shock. “The longer this warlock is here, the quicker my hair will turn grey.”

Magnus was holding himself in that strange, defensive way again, and Alec began to shake when he realized he recognized the posture. 

“Congratulations! Marriage is a wonderful institution!” Magnus said, a bright smile plastered onto his face. It was the same smile Alec had received several dozen times over the last couple of weeks, and he felt sick. 

Alec wanted to reach out and pull the other into a hug, and he felt his bicep twitch in an attempt to do so. He wanted to kiss Magnus’ cheeks and tell him that this was all a dream. He wanted to mess with the collar of Magnus’ shirt because he knew that drove him crazy. He wanted to just hold him, smell the scent of cloves and cinnamon that he’d grown so familiar with, and just _be_ with him

But he couldn’t.

~*~

Alec should have stayed home. He should have just pretended he’d never met Magnus, and that would be the end of it. Instead, he found himself standing at the border, staring into Magnus’ glamoured eyes on the other side. The sight of them shouldn’t have pained Alec as much as it did. 

The air was cold and made his fingers burn, but he deserved it. Magnus’ skin had paled, turning itself an ashy color instead of the usual golden tan he’d grown accustomed to. The scent of cloves and cinnamon, something he’d grown so familiar with, was stale and lifeless. 

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Alec asked brokenly. “Why didn’t you tell me you knew?”

Magnus did not answer.

The two stood, staring at one another in silence.

“Lydia is a lovely woman,” Magnus finally said. “I like her.”

Alec did not reply. He looked over Magnus for any hint of insincerity, but only found pain. 

“But you don’t have to marry her.”

“I do,” Alec shook his head. “I am going to run my family’s institute one day, and I’m expected to marry.”

Magnus stiffened, his eyes flashing an almost reddish tinge for the briefest of moments. He recoiled into the fur of his coat, his forehead crinkling as he frowned. 

Alec wanted to apologize, but he had no idea how. The damage had already been done, and he shouldn’t have spent so much time with the other in the first place. He should have just ended it there and been done with it, never allowing himself to see the warlock again.

Instead, he stood in silence.

“Alec, do you love her?” Magnus asked softly.

Alec couldn’t reply.

“If you tell me you love her,” Magnus breathed. “Then I will leave, and I will never bother you again.”

He should have nodded. He should have told the other to leave, and that he was marrying a woman. This wasn’t about his feelings, this was about his responsibilities. He couldn’t just stop everything and run off with a warlock. That would insult not only Lydia, but his family as well. Not to mention he’d probably end up banned from Idris forever, and that was something he did not want. It was his home.

But Magnus brought him so much more comfort and care than his home ever had. Alec clenched his teeth as the thought overtook his mind, unable to express how complicated this had all become.

Magnus looked at him, his expression grim and his eyes full of sorrow.

“If you do not love her, Alexander, then I can tell you that you will be lonely all of your life, and so will she,” Magnus stated firmly. “Neither of you deserve that.”

Alec opened his mouth, but shut it when no words came out.

“And neither do I.”

Magnus’ face was stoic, but Alec noticed the way his hands clenched, his jaw tightened, breathing unsteady… 

Alec’s heart ached.

“This isn’t about love,” Alec replied stiffly. “This is about honor-”

“Honor?” Magnus scoffed. “Where is the honor in living a lie?”

Alec bristled, frustrated. He didn’t know how to explain any of this to Magnus, and that was part of the reason he hadn’t said anything before. There was no way a warlock- free to live life however he pleased –could possibly understand how he was feeling. 

Magnus stepped forward, his expression stony and unhappy. He put his hand on Alec’s bicep, gentle but firm. 

“You are forcing yourself into a situation you will never be happy in. Your fiance may be a lovely woman, but she can not give you what _you_ need,” Magnus said gently. 

“I’m a shadowhunter. It’s not appropriate for me to-“

“Enough!” Magnus snapped. 

Alec jumped at Magnus’ sharp tone and cowered at the frustration in the other’s eyes. He grimaced, almost flinching away from Alec as he closed his eyes and let out a harsh breath. 

“Go home. Marry your fiancé and pretend that you are happy. Do what you are supposed to do as someone with angel blood, never once straying from the path your family laid out for you so perfectly,” Magnus’ tone was sour. “Pretend to be happy so your _family_ is satisfied.”

Alec swallowed, pulling his hand away from Magnus with an angry noise.

“Or, just stop pretending.”

Alec looked up. 

“For once, do what is right for _you,”_ Magnus’s voice was distant. “But know this Alexander. If you go down the path laid out for you- the one where you can never be happy –I will not follow. I cannot follow. I thought I was doing the right thing by giving you what you need, but I can’t do it anymore…not like this.”

Magnus’ voice grew soft at the end, strained as if he was being choked. His eyes bored into Alec’s, almost pleading with him to stay, and oh, how Alec wanted to.

“My family is counting on me,” Alec whispered, his voice cracking. “What if I end up doing something I’ll regret?”

Magnus stepped back. The barrier between them glimmered, and despite being only a few feet from the other, Alec had never felt so far away.

“Regret is such a pointless emotion,” Magnus answered bluntly. 

Alec stood there, his vision unfocused. The words replayed in his mind over and over, echoing until it was burned into his brain forever. He could see Magnus turn away, but he did nothing to stop him.

“You have a decision to make, Alexander,” he said wistfully. “When you’ve made it, I will be here.”

~*~

Magnus had only felt this miserable and heartbroken once. He had just passed two centuries of age and had already experienced more pain and loneliness than he thought possible. While demons were able to live forever, humans were not meant to. Warlocks had to live in the unfortunate compromise of immortality with human emotions, and eventually would lose themselves to their own minds.

Back then, Magnus had been one step away from death. He had been so completely _ready_ to just give up. He believed no one would have missed him, but Camille had stopped him. Magnus came to realize most of his love for her came from his desperate desire to be with someone who cared about him, and he had thought that person would be her. 

He was wrong.

Now, centuries later, Magnus was nearing that pit of despair once again, only this time he didn’t have anyone to stop him from taking that final step forward.

Magnus pet Chairman Meow as he laid on his sofa, staring into the fire in front of him. Even his cat, who had actually opted to cuddle with him for once, could not fill the Alec-shaped hole in his heart. This was the exact reason why he’d sworn off relationships in the first place, and yet he’d gone against his own oath. 

Magnus should have known that he wasn’t important to Alec like he’d hoped he would be. Nephilim weren’t known for their affection, and Alec was not someone he would never have considered compassionate.

But his smile- oh that smile. It could light up a thousand skies in a matter of seconds. And his eyes, looking down at Magnus’ warlock ones with a fondness he’d never associated with them. Magnus smiled when he remembered the way Alec stared at the tree they had spent over an hour decorating, muttering about how beautiful it was, and the way he seemed so baffled when Magnus opted to keep the snowflake he’d messed up. The way he had laughed when Magnus made an inappropriate joke while they laid beneath the willow tree, and how he’d reply with that dry twist of humor that only he possessed. 

The way he’d kissed Magnus- unsure, but determined. The way he would ask Magnus if he was ok, even though it should have been Magnus that asked instead. The way he would tangle his fingers in the warlock’s hair just before he climaxed, and gently stroke it afterwards in apology. 

Magnus barely registered the dampness on his cheek, his vision blurred by his own tears. His cat meowed, nuzzling against his chin, and Magnus wiped the tears away in woeful frustration. He would not cry. He refused to cry over something like this again. His heart gave a harsh jab, and Magnus squeezed his eyes shut.

“Come back,” he whispered to himself. 

He opened his eyes and they fell onto the snowflake, held together by magic, which rested on top of his fireplace. Despite his best efforts, Magnus felt his throat constrict and a sob wrack his form. 

“Please,” his voice caught. _”Come back…”_

~*~

Alec laid in his bed, staring over at the angel in his window. He wondered if angels could feel love, or if they could sympathize with him at all. Did the angels look down on him for wanting to be with a warlock- the exact opposite of his kind –or did they gaze down on him with approving smiles? He knew with his people would think, but what did the angels think?

When Alec was younger, the angel in his room always seemed to have a mind of its own. He chalked it up to his overactive imagination, but sometimes he swore he could see disapproving stares from the angel in his window when he was thinking about doing something he shouldn’t. Other times, when Alec felt as if he was completely alone in the world, the angel would almost smile at him. It was odd, but Alec often glanced at the angel when he was having trouble with his own thoughts.

_”Regret is such a pointless emotion.”_

The words echoed in his mind repetitively, burning themselves into his subconscious without his consent. It was easy for Magnus to say that- he was immortal, and from what Alec knew he had no family. Alec had responsibilities; some that were given to him, and some that he swore by when he became a Shadowhunter. 

But none of those oaths mentioned anything about going against his own happiness. They didn’t mention anything about marrying a woman, nor did they force him to continue the bloodline. 

They mentioned nothing about loving a warlock.

Alec’s eyes widened as they turned to look into the angel’s face. The angel was gazing down at him with kindness, not with contempt. The winter sunlight gleamed through its eyes, sparkling as though urging him to go- to fix his mistakes before it was too late.

Alec jumped up from his bed. He pulled his shoes and coat on, running out his front door towards the direction of the institute. As he ran, Alec realized something.

Alec’s duty as a Shadowhunter was to protect his people from danger, and nothing more. His relationship with Magnus was not going against his oath or his responsibility at all, it was only going against what was socially acceptable, and social norms could change over time.

Alec breathed out a laugh as he ran, tears in his eyes as he realized what he was about to do. 

~*~

Magnus felt numb. He wasn’t sure if it was the cold or if it was from the tiredness of his heart. He’d been standing outside at the border for far too long, and he couldn’t feel his fingers or toes. Sure, there were several warming spells he could have whispered to prevent that, but he couldn’t bring himself to say them. He relished in the pain, glad that he could feel anything at all. 

The snow was a foot deep on the ground, blanketing the earth like a cloud. It was cloudy, snowing lightly, covering Magnus’ limp hair with hundreds of little flakes. His eyes, still glamoured and glazed over, peered out in search of a man. Instead, all he saw was snow. Endless fields of snow.

This was the second day in a row he’d gone to the border, hoping to see Alec. He knew he’d be able to feel the other’s presence if he crossed over, but he wanted to be there to greet his beloved nephilim. His heart yearned for the other despite logic saying that he would not return. 

_”You can’t rely on your emotions all the time, but you also can not rely on just your mind. If you believe only in facts and not what you feel, then your brain will live…but your heart will die.”_

Magnus blinked as Catarina’s voice echoed in his mind. She truly was a wise woman, even if she did cheat at card games. 

With a soft sigh, wearied by so many years of loneliness catching up to him, Magnus turned around and walked home.

~*~

“Alec?”

Alec turned around as he put his winter boots on, “Yeah?”

Isabelle cocked her hip, leaning on one leg and crossing her arms with a raised eyebrow. She did not look angry, but her gaze was very scrutinizing. 

“Where exactly are you going?” she demanded. “Not off to see a guy behind Lydia’s back, I hope.”

Alec sighed. He knew his sister would figure out something before long, but her timing couldn’t have been worse. One look was all he needed to know she would not let him leave until he answered her questions.

“Can we do this later?” Alec asked, shrugging on his winter coat.

“No,” Isabelle’s voice was stern, and sounded far too much like his mother’s when she was scolding him. “I’m not going to let you ruin your whole life by doing something so stupid. You can’t just throw caution out the window and do whatever you want, especially if it involves someone else.”

“That’s rich coming from you,” Alec snorted. “How is that vampire you keep writing to? Simon, right? I’m sure mom and dad would approve.”

Isabelle blushed, “Don’t you dare change the subject, Alexander Lightwood.”

She walked over and stood in front of the door, blocking him from his exit. Alec sent her an annoyed glare as he buttoned up his coat, annoyed when some wouldn’t cooperate. 

“I’m not saying I don’t want you to be happy, because that is all I’ve ever wanted for you. But you can’t just ignore how this might affect the other people involved- especially Lydia,” Isabelle stressed. 

“I know,” Alec said lowly. “That’s why I called the wedding off.”

Isabelle stood there, her eyes widening slowly. She watched Alec as he finished buttoning his coat, checking himself in the mirror near the door. He turned back to her and nearly smiled at her dumbfounded expression. He could nearly see the gears in her head turning, and her concerned expression began to morph into something else. She stepped forward, her hands reaching up to adjust his collar.

“Do you care about him?” was all that she asked.

Alec nodded, a small smile forming on his face. He had so much he wanted to tell her, and he knew that she had so many questions to ask him. He felt relief flood him when Isabelle’s expression lightened and her eyes sparkled with pride.

“You better be ready to tell me _everything_ when you get home, Alexander Lightwood,” Isabelle jabbed a finger onto his chest. 

He kissed her forehead, “I will, I promise.”

~*~

A trail of fresh footprints in the snow led to where Alec stood, shivering from the cold as he looked into the snowy forest. His stomach flipped and his knees wobbled. 

Alec looked down at the silly item in his hands. It was something from a cheesy gift shop in Alicante, but he saw it as he was leaving and felt that it was appropriate. While it was very cheap- probably a rip off, and served no actual purpose from what Alec could see -he knew that he had to give it to the warlock anyway. 

With a shaky breath, Alec stepped through the border. He felt a tug on his heart when he heard a silky voice speak behind him.

“Alexander.”

Alec turned around and his heart sank.

Magnus looked _awful._

His eyes, still brown underneath the glamour, were red and puffy. He had not even attempted to cover up the pink splotches on his cheeks and nose, nor the dark circles that circled his eyes. His entire face was completely devoid of makeup, save for a smudge of eyeliner that he’d failed to remove. His hair was completely limp, the purple streaks now dull and lifeless.

Alec’s mood turned sour at the sight, and there was a bad taste in his mouth when he spoke.

“Magnus…” Alec’s voice caught, and he shook his head. “I-I did a lot of thinking.”

Magnus nodded, a hopeful gleam in his eyes that was quickly surrounded by defensive sadness. Alec wanted to wipe away that sorrow and replace it with the warm feeling he had in his heart, never letting Magnus feel bad ever again.

“I realized that you were right- that I need to stop doing everything that everyone wants just because it makes _them_ happy,” Alec said, shivering from the cold. “I need to focus on what is actually important to me.” 

Magnus closed his eyes, a pained expression on his face. He reached forward and grasped Alec’s coat in his fingers, not pulling or pushing. It was as if he was torn between walking away and letting himself believe that Alec really did mean what he said. Alec swore to himself that he would never let Magnus doubt his sincerity ever again.

“My family and responsibilities matters to me, so the decision wasn’t quite as easy to make as I wished it would’ve been,” Alec admitted. “But I finally came to a conclusion.”

Magnus nodded, still not looking up at Alec, “And?”

“I choose you,” Alec breathed. “I am yours, if you will have me.”

Magnus opened his eyes, the glamour flickering briefly. Hope flashed over them before disappearing, afraid of being hurt again.

“How can I believe you?” Magnus whispered. 

Alec took Magnus’ hands, warming the cold skin. 

He could feel Magnus tremble. The warlock turned his hands to grasp Alec’s, tightly holding on like he was afraid the other would disappear. Alec grimaced at Magnus’ heartbreaking gaze. There were no tears to wipe away, but the pain and heartache was still there.

“I suck at apologies, but I’ll do my best anyway,” Alec took in a deep breath. “I never planned meeting you, let alone _ever_ being with you, but you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. If I could change anything about what happened I would just go back and find you sooner.”

Magnus laughed weakly, looking away. 

“You have given me so much and I took all of that for granted. I have never regretted anything as much as I regret being the cause of your pain these last few weeks. I swear that I will do everything in my power to never let that happen again,” Alec’s voice wavered. “If you will let me, I promise I will protect you. Not because I swore an oath, but because I care about you. And the Clave be damned if they try to get in my way.”

“Alexander,” Magnus choked out.

Alec swallowed, nearly trembling from his own nerves. 

“Magnus, I don’t want to have to leave anymore.”

“I don’t want you to leave either, Alexander.”

Alec felt so small beneath Magnus’ gaze, even while they were glamoured. He couldn’t even begin to explain to the other how he was feeling, or how much he truly _wanted_ to be with him. There were no words that could describe it.

“I’m so sorry for hurting you,” Alec whispered. “I swear I never-“

Magnus yanked Alec forward and slammed their lips together, easing away all of the nervousness and tension in both of them. Alec gasped against their lips- his stomach flipped and his heart felt as if it would leap through his throat. For a moment, his body refused to respond. Magnus’ hands found Alec’s hair, tugging as hard as he could on the soft strands. Alec couldn’t have pulled away if he tried.

He didn’t try.

Carefully, unsure, Alec reached his hands to Magnus’ cheeks, holding him in a way that surprisingly intimate. Their lips moved in sync- desperate and frantic, chapped lips against softer ones. There was no finesse. No seductive licks or sensual hums of approval. Instead, there were quick gasps of air, trembling hands grasping at anything and everything, and heartbreaking whimpers revealing all of the heartache the two had shared. 

Alec felt Magnus convulse beneath his fingertips, and he stiffened when he felt puffs of air against his lips. Magnus’ lips stretched into a small smile, laughter bubbling from his chest as he clutched Alec’s hair. The warlock pulled Alec down so he could wrap his arms around his neck, burying his face into the crook of the nephilim’s neck. With a snap of his fingers and a magical breeze, the two of them were standing inside of Magnus’ house.

Alec quickly shrugged off his coat before wrapping his arms around Magnus waist, relishing in the way they fit together. The other felt cold- much colder than usual, so he simply tugged the warlock closer. Magnus was still clutching at him like a lifeline, but Alec wouldn’t dare try to pry him off. Instead, the two stood there, holding each other as tightly as they could. The scent of cloves and cinnamon was not dull anymore, but rich and soothing on Alec’s nerves. 

“This probably isn’t the best time,” Alec whispered. “But I have something for you.”

Magnus hummed, still resting his cheek against Alec’s shoulder. The nephilim reached into his pocket and pulled out the cheesy gift. It felt even less amazing now than it did when he bought it, and yet he knew that he had to give it to the Warlock. Magnus finally pulled back a little, glancing down at the little box in Alec’s hand. His eyes flitted back and forth between it and Alec’s eyes, widening by fractions the more he did so.

“You…got me a gift?” Magnus asked.

“I remember you saying that the festival was celebrated by gift giving, so yes,” Alec nodded. “But I would’ve gotten it for you anyway.”

Magnus snatched the box excitedly, taking out the little object from the box. He tilted his head, his gaze raking over the golden patterns and symbols running over the small wooden totem.

“What is it?” Magnus finally asked. “I’ve never seen anything like this before…”

Alec’s face heated, “Well, I’m honestly not sure what it is, but I think it’s a…talisman? Who really knows, it’s probably just a cutout of a cereal box.”

Magnus looked up at Alec with an amused expression.

“Look, it’s honestly cheap garbage and doesn’t do anything. It’s from a knock-off store downtown that supposedly sells _enchanted objects_ -which is impossible because magic is banned,” Alec huffed. “But it _said_ that this is supposed to be used for protection, so I thought that if anyone needed protection it would be you, because by the angel’s sake, I’ve put you through a lot-“

Alec cut himself off at the look of near-agony that passed over Magnus’ face. The warlock dropped the bag, clutched the gift in his hands tightly, and stepped forward to lay his head on Alec’s shoulder again. Alec, unsure of what else to do, wrapped his arms around Magnus again. 

“Thank you, Alexander,” Magnus murmured. “You have no idea how much this means to me…”

“It really is garbage-“

“No, it isn’t,” Magnus retaliated, leaning back with a bright smile. “You gave it meaning. You gave it a purpose. Sometimes, it is not the gift itself that matters, but the intent by which it was given.”

Magnus pressed his lips against Alec’s. This kiss was unhurried and soft, yet just as breathtaking as the one before it. Alec felt like the air had been sucked from his lungs as Magnus pulled away, a genuine smile on his lips and a glimmer in his eyes. There were tears in his eyes when he lowered his face to try and hide them. He’d never been ashamed to cry, nor had he ever shamed anyone who did so in front of him, but he was not one to openly show his emotions. That was dangerous.

“Magnus?” Alec whispered, tilting the warlock’s head up. 

“I’ve lived for so long, with more than enough time to spare, and yet now- because of you -it doesn’t feel like enough,” Magnus smiled, a small laugh choking him as a tear escaped. “I have _never_ wanted to live so much as I have these past few months with you.”

Alec swallowed, wetting his lips as more laughs bubbled from Magnus. They were broken, full of all the hurt he’d bottled away, but relieved at the same time.

“I didn’t tell you that I knew because I was afraid that I would lose you. I wanted to spend as much time with you as I could before I had to give you away,” Magnus’ smile broke Alec’s heart. “You may not have been completely honest, but neither have I. Forgive me.”

Alec reached up and wiped away the tears himself. Magnus’ cheeks were warm, but his tears felt cold. He shook his head, ashamed at himself for being the cause of the warlock’s pain.

Magnus absentmindedly adjusted the collar of Alec’s sweater, still gripping the talisman in one palm. Alec felt a strong urge to grip those hands and tug him forward, kissing him until his lips ached and bled, but he refrained. Instead, he took one of the warlock’s hands and tugged him towards the sofa near the fireplace. He kicked off his boots before sitting down, and pulled Magnus to settle down beside him. 

“I really screwed up this festival, didn’t I?”

Magnus chuckled softly; his painted nails running over the talisman Alec had given him. He traced the patterns on it subconsciously, admiring the way the gold shined in the dim light. 

“Do you remember what I told you when we were looking for the tree?” Magnus asked him, his voice still a bit hoarse.

Alec thought for a moment before shaking his head. They talked about a lot of things.

“The festival is the celebration of the return of light, signaling the beginning of a bright new year,” Magnus lulled, turning to Alec. “But it is also the time to let go of the past. After all, how can you look forward to something new and exciting when you are held back by your past?”

Alec looked down when Magnus took his hand again. The paint on his nails was chipped, no doubt from neglect over the last few days, but it still looked beautiful. He had no rings on, and Alec swallowed when he realized that this would probably be one of the only times he’d ever be able to feel the warlock’s naked hand. He turned his own over, letting their fingers lace together.

“I regret that I did not get you anything,” Magnus said shamefully. 

“It’s okay,” Alec took the warlock’s hand and squeezed. “Being with you is enough.”

Magnus blinked, a heartbreakingly happy smile forming on his face. He smiled again, his face beginning to hurt from it, and he turned so his nose was pressed against Alec’s sweater. He inhaled that other’s scent of sandalwood, calming his nerves like water to a flame. 

“How long will you stay?” Magnus asked him.

There was a slight edge to his voice.

“As long as the angels will allow.”

~*~

Magnus rubbed the sand from his eyes as he awoke. He had not dreamt of anything for the first time in ages, and he felt more rested than he had in _decades._ Not even Catarina’s back massages could have helped him sleep so soundly. Curious as to what the cause of his good night’s rest, Magnus opened his eyes and squinted in the dim light of the house. 

The sun, hidden behind winter clouds, was shining through his window. The fireplace was still crackling near him, keeping him warm from the frigid air outside. Magnus pursed his lips in a confused frown when he realized he was still in his den, rather than his nice, comfortable bed. Not only that, but he was not even wearing his silk pajamas. 

A soft snore alerted him to the presence behind him. Glancing down, he noticed a pair of legs dangling over the edge of the sofa, and an arm wrapped around his waist, keeping him from falling onto the floor. While this was not the first time Magnus could say this had happened to him, it was definitely the first time it had happened while still being _clothed._

Straining his neck, Magnus glanced behind him and felt his heart flutter at the sight that met him.

Alec.

The two of them had spent hours talking, trying to make amends despite the ever present fear in their hearts. Afterwards, they had fallen asleep, not wanting to leave each other for even a second. 

The nephilim was sound asleep; his lips parted slightly as nearly inaudible snores escaped his mouth. His hair was an absolute disaster, sticking up in every direction, but Magnus found it to be quite attractive. His eyelashes, offensively long, rested against his cheekbones, fluttering when he dreamed. His arm tightened around Magnus when the other lowered his head back down, a smile resting on his face.

Magnus lowered his hand down to Alec’s, lacing their fingers together. He spent the next hour counting scars on the nephilim’s hand, and running his fingertips over calluses from years of hard training. Then, his fingers met the skin on Alec’s wrist, and relished in its softness. Magnus counted the pulses- wondering if their hearts would ever sync -when Alec shifted behind him.

“Alexander?” Magnus asked. “Are you awake?”

“Five more minutes, dad,” Alec mumbled, still very much asleep. “Jace can handle Aldertree by himself…”

Magnus snorted, but settled back down. 

He found it a tad ironic that he had planned for this year to be the first year he would spend alone for the Winter Festival. He had always celebrated it with his friends, or his previous lovers, seeing as it was not a festival to be celebrated by one’s self. It was one that should be celebrated with loved ones, or family. It was so everyone could give gifts, laugh, reunite with long-distance friends or family, forgive and forget the past and try to promise to make the next year better than the last. 

Magnus had always found this festival harder to celebrate. 

He had loved ones he would never see again. He had family he would never see again. Gifts began to grow stale over the years, especially when people stopped giving them.

Magnus glanced back at Alec, his hand tightening over the other’s. He turned over and snuggled against the warmth of the other, sighing pleasantly at the feeling of their sweaters against one another. He pressed his face against Alec’s collarbone- the scent of sandalwood still very strong –and pressed a kiss there.

Alec shifted from the movement, stretching as best as he could with a yawn. Rubbing his eyes he adjusted himself so he could hold Magnus against him more easily, running his fingers through the warlock’s loose hair. Opening his eyes he fondly gazed at Magnus. The warlock poked his nose, earning a small noise of protest, and snickered at the way Alec scrunched it up. They laid like that in silence for a few minutes, comfortable in the silence.

“You have laugh lines,” Alec mumbled. “And crow’s feet.”

Magnus lifted himself up on his elbow with an appalled expression, running one hand over his face self-consciously. He snapped his fingers, summoning a mirror to check himself over with a frown. Alec chucked and took the mirror away, dropping it to the floor beside them.

“It was a compliment,” Alec whispered. “No one in Idris has laugh lines.”

Magnus glared at him for a long moment before realization sunk into his features. Magnus glanced over Alec’s face for any hint of the same lines, but found nothing. His face was as smooth as it could possibly be, just like every other nephilim before him. Magnus settled back down, running his fingertips over Alec’s cheek.

“Well, I will just have to change that, won’t I?” Magnus purred.

Alec smiled.

~*~

Alec stood at the border- this time with Magnus. The two held hands, as they found themselves doing quite often, not wanted to let the other go. 

The last week had been one of the best of Alec’s life. He had not let himself worry about the institute, focusing on Magnus instead. They had done so many strange, yet fulfilling things that Alec couldn’t have dreamed of. They made more snowflakes, baked cookies and bread, burned a log (that Alec was still very confused about), and kissed _many_ times under the mistletoe that Magnus had enchanted to randomly appear in his house.

There had been a small amount of tension between the two of them for the first couple of days. Magnus had still been a bit defensive while Alec apologized for every small thing, and it was painfully obvious the two had constantly been thinking about what had happened. It was something that was easier to forgive than forget. Despite this, they both did their best to deal with the situation, and found that it grew easier the longer they spent in each other’s company. 

“People mess up,” Magnus had told Alec at one point. “But no one should let one mistake ruin something beautiful.”

The end of their time together finally came, and the two found they were both very reluctant to part. Neither knew when they would be able to see each other again, and saying so was pointless. 

Magnus adjusted Alec’s scarf with a sad, but happy expression on his face. He murmured a warming spell to keep Alec cozy and dry for his journey home, but Alec did not want to go home. Alec leaned down to press their foreheads together, their eyes locked. He smiled sadly, pressing a kiss to Magnus’ lips. When he finally moved away he found it harder than ever to ignore the twinge in his heart and the nausea in his stomach. Passing through the border was nearly painful, especially when he turned around and realized that Magnus could not follow him.

Just before he left, Alec caught his gaze one last time. He stood there for a moment, frozen in his own little world, and Magnus sent him a small smile. The warlock’s fingers lifted and wiggled at him in farewell, and Alec felt his own hand raise and return the gesture. 

“Goodbyes are not forever,” Magnus told him. “They just give me a reason to look forward to your return.”

Alec nodded, willing away the desire to waltz back through the border and take the warlock in his arms. He reached through anyway, touching Magnus’ cheek one last time. Magnus pressed a kiss to his palm, before pushing it away with a heartbroken smile.

With one last farewell, Alec turned and left before he could change his mind. The snow crunched beneath his feet as he walked, his hands reaching up to hold the scarf that the warlock had given him. It still smelled like cloves and cinnamon, with a small amount of ash from the fireplace. He closed his eyes for a moment, letting the comfort of it waft over him in waves, not realizing he was crying until the tears tried to freeze against his skin.

Alec had not cried since he was a young boy. He had been taught to be strong, not only for himself but also for others. He had been told that crying was a side effect of frustration, and that he only needed to practice more and learn as much as he could for those tears to go away. So, that is what he did. Alec taught himself to control his emotions enough in public for no one to question him. He would bottle everything up inside until he reached the privacy of his bedroom. He would berate himself for doing so, telling himself that he was weak and that leaders should not cry.

It wasn’t until his sister found him sobbing in his closet one night when he was fourteen that he first learned that not everything the Clave told him was right. 

“I believe that it’s okay to cry, Alec,” she whispered, holding his head against her chest as he clutched her pajama shirt and tried not to sob. “Tears are just words that the heart can’t say. They are like little prayers, travelling to the angels when we don’t know what to ask for.”

“The angels don’t listen,” Alec had hissed at her through clenched teeth.

His sister, so young back then and yet so wise, only kissed his head and replied in a soft voice.

“Maybe that’s because no one ever asks the right way,” she said soothingly. “I’m sure they are listening to you, Alec. And if not, then I am.”

_Tears are just words that the heart can’t say._

Alec smiled as he pressed the scarf against his lips; more tears cascading over his cheeks and sinking into the fabric. While his tears from the past may have come from frustration and anger, the ones he cried now were from being overwhelmed with so many good things. He may have been sad to leave the warlock behind again, but he was ecstatic knowing that he was cared for. He couldn’t voice his feelings through words, so they escaped his eyes instead.

“Until we meet again, Magnus Bane.”

~*~

The warlock's house felt agonizingly empty, even with Chairman Meow strutting around the place. His cat had taken a great liking to Alec, which he was a bit jealous of, and seemed to be in search of the other male. His cat meowed at him, wondering where Alec had disappeared to, and Magnus tried to explain that he had to leave for a while. Of course, his cat couldn't understand a word he had said, so the attempt was futile. Chairman Meow spit at him before slinking off into the shadows, and Magnus sighed when he realized he probably wouldn't see him again until the beast was hungry.

His eyes fell on the snowflake resting over his fireplace, and he smiled. He would need to take down all of his festive decorations soon, but he had already decided that it would be the exception. Magnus picked the snowflake up, fondly admiring the way it sparkled how intricate its design was. Alec had spent so long on it, trying to impress the warlock and make something beautiful- and to Magnus it _was_ beautiful. 

He set the snowflake back down and his fingers moved down to trace the talisman he had resting against his chest. He'd looped a chain through it and wore it like a necklace. While it was incredibly tacky, and he _definitely_ hid it from view, the comfort it brought him to wear it made his heart flutter. Magnus turned to look out the window, holding onto the talisman with a wide smile on his face.

"Until we meet again, Alexander."

**Author's Note:**

> So, question for you guys (if you would like to give your input). I've quite literally been having an inner debate about whether or not I should've made Magnus cry. I had written him crying the first time, then deleted it and wrote him not crying...and then switched it back again because to _me_ it felt more natural. But I'm just...idk, he is such a complex character sometimes, and I couldn't figure out if him crying was what he would do. Sometimes things write themselves, but sometimes it is just OOC. 
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoyed! Let me know what you guys thought, and if I do make one last addition what it should be! If I do it will probably include Izzy and Jace finding out, obviously, and will probably have the issue of breaking The Accords come up...but other than that idk.


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